


To Be Married Men

by PandoraButler



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crossdressing, Crying inside, I promise, Izuo - Freeform, M/M, Sadness, Shizaya - Freeform, Uhm, at least it has a happy ending, but the end is happy, don't ask me, drrr - Freeform, durarara - Freeform, i did a terrible thing, the middle is kind of sad, trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-01-31 06:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12676038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandoraButler/pseuds/PandoraButler
Summary: Shizuo gets sick on the side of the road and mysteriously wakes up in his apartment the next day. Who is this woman tending to him? And why does the room smell like vanilla?





	1. The Woman Part I

There was a light shining on his face. A bright one at that. Probably the sun. Either way Shizuo didn't want to open his eyes. He wanted to be dead. He wanted to be forgotten. But, that wasn't going to happen, was it? No. Not today. So his eyes fluttered open, only for him to see the most beautiful person he'd ever seen before. This must be heaven then. Or hell. No one said there couldn't be bright lights and pretty people in hell. But which one? Was he really dead? Or was he just dreaming of death while lying on the street in some alley. This is strange. So weird. So foreign. The person smiled at him. He blinked. Who was this? How'd she get here?

The scenery around Shizuo was becoming more clear. No. This wasn't the afterlife. This was just his apartment. How'd he get here though? Did she carry him? Perhaps she was just a lot stronger than she looks, like he was. Perhaps. Or perhaps she called for help after noticing him in that alley he was supposed to be dying in. Sigh. The details didn't matter much to Shizuo. He just knew he was still alive. That was the problem: he didn't  _want_  to be alive. 

"Hello," she smiled. Her face was gleaming for some reason. Maybe it was the sun's rays shining on her after entering his apartment via the window. Maybe it was the fact that Shizuo's eyes were too watery to see properly. Maybe it was because his subconscious was telling him how attracted he was to this woman. In any case, she looked like an angel, or a demon for that matter. Her eyes were a magnificent shade of auburn and her long raven hair almost  _glowed_. Shizuo felt he recognized it, and yet, he didn't at the same time. Questions poured into his mind but he never asked them. He felt too weak. The overpowering sickening sweet smell of vanilla surrounded him. He couldn't process much else. He didn't bother to say a thing. It all seemed irrelevant compared to her beauty. 

"You're sick with a fever. I'm going to take care of you, since, well, I have nothing better to do," she let out a small laugh that made Shizuo's heart beat faster. Why? Why was he thinking this stranger to be so irresistible? The fever must be having an effect on his brain. They just met. He shouldn't be thinking like this so soon. Right? Or, was this love at first sight? Was this that feeling he'd heard about? That feeling he'd witnessed in movies and plays? No. Him? Feeling such a thing? Toward a stranger? That must be impossible. Well, that's what he'd like to say. But his logic is no longer with him. His brain is no longer at its best. He is just a blank slate controlled by his feelings. The fever ruined any reasoning his brain would have offered him on another occasion. 

"I'm sorry about all the candles," she paused to put some of her hair behind her ear. Her face was pale compared to her dark hair. It looked so soft. Shizuo wanted to touch it. It's a good thing he can't find the energy to move his arms, or he would have touched it. "It's kind of a thing I do, my mother used to light vanilla candles in my room when I was sick. She thought it would summon good omens. I'm not sure why. I could never understand her, but I've done it ever since," she smiled once again. Shizuo hadn't noticed the soft glowing of the wicks' flames before. He had been too focused on  _her_. So, that's why it smelled like vanilla. That makes sense. Doesn't it? 

Shizuo wanted to reply but he couldn't form the words. His mind was too foggy. This fever was slowly killing him inside. Why did he think it was a good idea to walk around in the rain? That was the worst idea he could have possibly had. A few beads of sweat formed on his brow and slid down his face. Being sick is the absolute worst. But being in her presence was the best thing that had ever happened to him. The universe must have a strange sense of humor. 

"You must be really hot underneath all those blankets," she said, "I'd take them off but it's better if you sweat the fever out. Would you rather take a bath? I can help you into the tub," she offered. Shizuo was tempted but refused. The thought of her seeing him naked made him shy. For now, he'd just have to suffer till he could function on his own. 

"If you insist," she sighed, "I don't want to see you miserable and sweating. People should be spoiled when sick since being sick is misery enough. If there is anything I can do to make you feel better, please say so." Shizuo was beginning to think this woman might be an illusion. She couldn't be real. No one was  _that_  perfect. And yet, she was. She wore a skirt that wasn't too short and a black v-neck that wasn't too low. Her whole aura screamed 'pure.' Could he be hallucinating? 

The woman gasped and placed a hand to her mouth. What? What is it? He hadn't said anything so he couldn't have upset her. Was he looking at her too much? Shizuo began to worry about all of the most trivial things until she began to speak once more, "I haven't introduced myself! You're probably so confused about why this stranger is in your house taking care of you! I'm so sorry!" the edges of Shizuo's mouth tilted upward. Good. So it wasn't something he did. 

"My name is Ayazi Arahiro. It is a pleasure to meet you. I had gotten a phone call on my way home from work telling me to go to the alley you were in. I was tempted not to since the guy sounded super shady, but I went anyway and I found you lying there in the rain! I couldn't just leave you so I called for some help. Funnily enough, my phone went off again and an unknown number texted me your address. Now that I think about it, it was probably the same guy who called me! In any case, you don't seem to be a bad person so I'll fulfill the task fate has required! I will take care of you!" Shizuo smiled. He didn't care why she was there; he was just happy she decided to stay. What he didn't realize was that his feelings for this woman would continue to grow...and that one day she'd disappear from his life forever.


	2. The Woman Part II

She swayed her hips in tune with the music playing from the radio. Shizuo couldn't stop staring at her. In fact, the entire time she tended to him while he was sick was like this. Each time he tried to look away, he was just brought back to  _her_. It was like his eyes refused to stare at anything else for fear she'd disappear. It was foolish of him to think this way, but there was this overbearing feeling that something was about to happen. Something terrible. Was the world trying to warn him? Or was he just that paranoid? 

Shizuo recovered from his fever the day before, so Ayazi was making him a 'breakfast to remember' before saying farewell. He almost wished that his fever hadn't left him. Anything would be better than her leaving his life forever.  _Anything_. But that wasn't going to happen, not in this lifetime. She'd already told him, no matter how many times he begged, that they'd part ways and forget this ever happened. This was her good deed for the year. She wasn't going to make it an excuse for a newfound friendship. If Shizuo wasn't so blinded by his infatuation for her, he might start asking himself if she had something to hide. But he was blinded. So he wouldn't ask a single thing. 

" _Annnnnnnnd_  done!" she grinned before placing the plate on the table. He looked at it skeptically. Scrambled eggs and bacon...or at least that is what he thought it was  _supposed_  to be. She couldn't cook, could she? Now all the takeout and instant food made sense. It was amazing he was able to recover while being fed all that processed garbage, (oh the joys of being a strong monster). But, being the good guy that Shizuo is, he ate it all regardless of the terrible taste and the weeks of loathing eggs he'd have to manage after this incident. 

"Did you like it?" she asked. Shizuo just smiled in response. Better say nothing than ruin her hopes and dreams of being a world famous chef. He just didn't have it in him to hurt her. But he couldn't just remain silent either. So he asked the same question he'd been asking her all this time.

"Do you really have to go?"

Her smile immediately turned sour. He couldn't tell what she was feeling but he knew it wasn't happiness. That was clear enough. "We've been over this so many times," she began. Ayazi put her hand to her brow and let out a long sigh, "I can't stay with you. I can't associate with you. Surely you know of your infamous reputation in this city, don't you? If  _anyone_  saw me next to you I could be in danger! I can't live a life like that, I'm sorry. Please just forget about me," she said. Though her words hurt him, he knew she had a valid point. Shizuo couldn't be in a relationship like that either. He'd be too worried. Well, there is just another thing to add to his long list of reasons to hate his 'special' ability. 

Ayazi sighed once more and stood up to leave. She carefully put on her shoes and grabbed her coat. It was a hooded black jacket with a fur trim that Shizuo failed to recognize. Surely more than  _that_  person could have a coat like that. Right? So his brain didn't even register it. Once again, he was blinded by his own delusions. By the vanilla scent that still overpowered his apartment. She smiled and waved and said her farewells. He smiled and waved back, although he didn't feel like smiling at all. 

Shizuo walked into his room and sat on his bed. He stared at the candles' remains all around him. Tons of used glass jars and a few that could still be burned. Shizuo sighed. He couldn't decide if he wanted to keep them or throw them all out to help him forget. No. He couldn't forget. So he burned one a day till only one remained. This one seemed newer than the rest. It hadn't been used. Rather than burn it, Shizuo kept it, to remind him of her even though those memories would be buried in the back of his heart. In the depths of his mind. He couldn't continue to think about her. He had to move on. So he did. He put the candle in the back of a cupboard and went on with his life. He and Tom continued to go around collecting debts and he gradually failed to remember that woman who mysteriously showed up in his life. It was better this way. It was better to forget. Now he couldn't hurt her. Now she couldn't hurt him. Now they were both happy and living their own lives. Good.

"Are you okay?" Tom asked. No, Shizuo wasn't fine. In his peripheral vision he saw that fur trimmed jacket. However, the person wearing it wasn't Azazi. It wasn't the person he  _wanted_  to see. Months of anger management down the drain. It all flooded back. He picked up the nearest vending machine and threw it right at him. But, instead of dodging like usual, it hit him directly. The guy hadn't even noticed the vending machine, or Shizuo for that matter. Makes one wonder... _why?_

Shizuo knew he shouldn't feel guilty. He had  _wanted_  to kill this male since day one. He just didn't think the day would ever come where he succeeded. Wanting to kill and actually killing are two very different things. So, the fake bartender ran over to him and pushed the vending machine off. He stared at the body bruised and bleeding. Shizuo couldn't distinguish which bruises were caused by him or which wounds were already there. So, the man picked up the information broker and carried him to Shinra. 

It didn't matter what sort of situation this was. It didn't matter that he hated Izaya's guts. Shizuo, in his entirety, is a  _good_  man. He doesn't  _want_  to go out of control and throw things. It just  _happens_. He doesn't  _want_  to hurt people.  _It just happens._  Something goes off in his core that forces him to do these things, even though he doesn't want to. Shizuo realizes his own faults and takes responsibility for them. But he doesn't stop trying to control it. He doesn't give up. And he certainly won't let the man he hates the most in the world die because of something Shizuo did.

Because, every individual, no matter what background, has the ability to  _change_. Even the worst of us. Even Izaya Orihara. Shizuo firmly believes this. To kill someone is to take away his/her ability to change. To kill someone is unjust. Death is the end of all things. Shizuo would never kill someone whom he hasn't tried to help yet. That's his weakness. That's also his strongest point. And, that's also one of the many reasons Izaya and Shizuo just don't get along.


	3. The Man Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 3:39 am and i have absolutely no wish to go back and proofread. If it sucks, it sucks, I'm sorry. I just kind of want to curl up in a ball and cry rn. So. Enjoy this thing. 
> 
> Nvm. It sucks. Don't enjoy it. Just cry with me. I have extra tissues. 

"I've really fucked myself over this time," Izaya muttered. He wasn't going to blame others for this. Nope. This was purely  _his_  fault. He shouldn't have spent that long trying to annoy the shit out of someone. What was he expecting? A 'thank you' card and some chocolates? He really needs to stop doing things like this, but he won't. He can't. It's practically written in his DNA. Poor Izaya.

His vision was blurry and his pain was excruciating. Sure, it sucked, but what was he supposed to do about it? Nothing. That's what. The pain distracted him so much he didn't bother paying attention to his surroundings. What was the point? In any case, when that vending machine came at him he almost jumped for joy. Was this the day he'd die? That would be fun. Izaya has always pondered what happens to people after death. The male fell to the ground and his ability to see left him completely. He could hear the sound of footsteps getting closer. Shizuo? No. Why would it be Shizuo? Didn't he want Izaya dead? Well, yes and no. But Izaya didn't know that. He just thought his day had come. 

Imagine his surprise when he woke up with his medical needs fully tended to whilst lying on a couch in Shinra's apartment. Pain killers active. Bandages in place. There was one small problem: only his external wounds were taken care of. There was still the issue of his internal ones. Not to mention his mental ones. 

"Good to see that you're awake," Shinra said, "now I can kill you myself," he frowned. "What did I tell you about your behavior? You know of your condition and you  _still_  act like a douche-bag! Have you even  _stepped_  into a hospital recently?"

Izaya smiled in response. Obviously his answer was 'no.' Why should he go to the hospital? What were they going to do? They couldn't stop his will to die. No. Izaya wasn't going to allow his first chance at death to leave him. He was going to drag it out. He was going to die, because that was the only  _human_  thing he was capable of. Killing himself would be too easy. Dying in an accident would be too boring. This was the perfect death to him. But death hadn't greeted him yet. That's what disappointed him the most. 

The information broker jumped when Shizuo spoke. He hadn't seen him there and was half tempted to ask why the blonde was there to begin with. Izaya didn't remember much from earlier in the day. He only remembered that he had been a dick to some really unhappy individuals and in turn got the life kicked out of him. Yep. Fun times. For all he knew he had been brought to Shinra by a stranger who found him lying in the street. Not that such a thing was possible...but still...the point remains...Izaya is clueless right now.

"What can a hospital do that you can't?" Shizuo asked. Right. Izaya kept forgetting that only a few people knew about his condition. He wasn't about to let Shinra tell his worst enemy about it.

"Don't you know? Izaya ha-"

"Has the incurable ability to fuck with the wrong people," Izaya said, completing Shinra's statement. Shinra frowned, not understanding why the raven-head wouldn't want Shizuo to know. If the fake bartender found out, the possibility that he would stop throwing vending machines at Izaya increased. There was also the possibility that he might just throw  _more_. Izaya wasn't going to take that chance. And, he certainly wasn't going to allow  _anyone_  to think he was weak just because he was sick. That included Shizuo most of all. 

Shinra sighed, "Shizuo, can you just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid until his wounds are fully healed?"

"You want  _him_  to monitor me? I am a grown-ass man I can take care of myself," Izaya grumbled, crossing his arms. Shinra ignored him and continued to stare at Shizuo for an answer. Shizuo sighed, he didn't really want to but he would regardless. It was clear to him that Izaya had visited Shinra far too much lately and it was getting on Shinra's nerves. Since it was partially  _Shizuo's fault_  for this visitation he decided to accept. 

"Fine," he answered.

"Fine? Did you just say 'fine'?! Without even putting up a fight? Is this Shizu-Chan or am I imaging things?" 

"You'll have to be with him 24/7. I'll talk to Tom for you and make up some excuse. I'll even fucking pay for his living expenses if that'll help at all. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid and try your hardest to convince him to go to a fucking hospital," Shinra crossed his arms and tapped his foot. He had better things to do than be Izaya's private doctor, (all of those 'better things' really just involved him imagining Celty in lewd outfits).

Shizuo nodded and Shinra proceeded to kick the two out of his home. He decided to say one more thing before slamming the door shut, "oh, and, you better not smoke in the presence of Izaya. If I find out you have I'll beat your ass to Timbuktu. I will. I have my ways."

The information broker and the fake bartender stared at each other; both of them jumped with the loud noise of the door slamming shut. Shinra could be feisty. A small piece of these two men feared him. However, neither of them would admit that, especially not to Shinra himself. 

The two men started walking to the train station. Izaya kept telling Shizuo over and over that he didn't have to do this. That he could just go back to his own place and pretend he took care of Izaya. The information broker tried every trick in the book to get Shizuo to just  _leave_ but he wouldn't. He'd already made his choice. Izaya, knowing that he couldn't beat Shizuo in strength, stopped trying when they'd reached his apartment in Shinjuku. What was the point? Shizuo was clearly going to be a dick about this. 

"I need you to wait out here for a moment. My apartment is a mess," Izaya said.

"No, your apartment isn't a mess you're a damn OCD freak. I've been in there before. The minute you go in you'll just go over to your computer and start some shit and  _then_  let me in. I'm not an idiot."

Izaya clicked his tongue and opened the door. Damn monster seeing through his plan. Well, that wouldn't happen all the time. One of these days he'd manage to get Shizuo off his back. He'd fooled the guy plenty of times before, he could do it again. 

Just as Shizuo suspected, Izaya's apartment was the same as it had always been. The only difference was the addition of a photo on his desk that Shizuo hadn't seen before. Izaya, noticing Shizuo's gaze, ran over to his desk and hid the photo in a drawer.

"You don't want to see that, trust me," he said. Izaya's face went pale but Shizuo couldn't tell if it was because he was in pain or because he was afraid of Shizuo seeing that picture. He figured it was probably because of the pain.

"I am going to take a shower," Izaya stated, "are you going to strip me to make sure I'm not carrying any electronics? Or would you rather sweep the bathroom of any secret phones?" Izaya asked while rolling his eyes. 

"That's a good idea," Shizuo agreed.

"W-what?! You aren't really going to, are you? I wasn't being serious!" Izaya followed Shizuo to the bathroom while watching him examine everything. "I can't believe you're actually doing this, what kind of person do you think I am? I don't hide things in various places just for this type of situation!"

Shizuo, with his deadpanned expression, turned to look at Izaya, "really now? So what's this?" he asked pulling out a phone hidden on the top of the cabinet-like mirror, "you and I both know damn well that you're all about hidden stuff. You've probably got thirty knives sewn into that jacket of yours, speaking of which, give it to me," Shizuo held out his hand.

Izaya rolled his eyes again, "I suppose you want my pants too?"

"Yes."

The male frowned. Perhaps he should stop saying things that would give Shizuo more ideas. He stared at the blonde for a while before submitting to the request. He took off his jacket first and then his pants. Now, he was just left standing there with a t-shirt and his fabulous rainbow unicorn boxers.

"Don't you  _dare_  start laughing. Unicorns are manly as fuck," Izaya crossed his arms, "you're just jealous because you  _don't_  have rainbow unicorn boxers."

Shizuo avoided eye contact at that statement. He didn't say a single thing. This led Izaya to believe that the man before him actually  _did_ have said boxers.

"You're fucking with me. I know you're fucking with me. You  _do not_  have magical rainbow unicorn boxers."

Once again, Shizuo didn't respond. Izaya took that as his chance to attack the blonde. He made a leap and pantsed the fake bartender to reveal the  _exact same pair_  of fabulous boxers. Shizuo had no time to react since he was holding Izaya's clothes and now had no clue how to respond. Both males were standing there with their matching underwear exposed. One was laughing his ass off and the other was just confused about what he was supposed to do. 

"I can explain," Shizuo began. "You see, Kasuka had a conversation with Erika and afterwards sent me these as a joke. Since they were a gift I couldn't bring myself to throw them out."

Izaya couldn't stop laughing and instead just pointed to the door so he could take his shower in peace. Shizuo waddled out. He didn't want to put down Izaya's clothes for fear he'd snatch them back so he just left his pants the way they were. This resulted in, once again, Izaya laughing too hard. Once Shizuo was out, Izaya closed the door and all laughing shifted to violent coughing. Izaya immediately turned on the shower. He didn't get in. Instead, he allowed his body to do what it had wanted from the moment he stepped into this apartment. He coughed. He coughed and he wheezed and he hacked. He hoped desperately that the shower would be louder than his coughing. Mucus and blood fell into the toilet as he continued this wretched routine. He didn't know how long it lasted but he was grateful when it ended. It was becoming more terrible with each time. When would it stop? When would he finally be able to die?

The male curled up into a ball and just listened to the shower run. He might as well take one now. Weakly, he entered the stand-up shower and leaned against the glass door. He hadn't bothered taking off his clothes and just allowed the warm water to run over him. If he stayed in here any longer Shizuo might get worried. Would Shizuo even notice? He couldn't take that chance. 

Izaya turned off the shower and flushed the toilet. He grabbed a towel from the bathroom's closet and stripped himself of his wet clothing. Cautiously, he opened the door and peaked his head out. When there was no sign of Shizuo he tip-toed to his bedroom leaving wet droplets on the flooring. 

He found Shizuo in his room, standing, staring at a stack of used (but no longer usable) candles. Their scent? Vanilla. Izaya didn't say anything. Shizuo didn't either. Silence. Just silence. Izaya walked over to his dresser and grabbed some clothes. He ignored Shizuo. It was better just to ignore Shizuo than answer the question he was bound to ask. 

Why vanilla?

 


	4. The Man Part II

"Why vanilla?" The words echoed off the walls after Shizuo had spoken them. Yes, why vanilla? Izaya didn't want to answer but he knew he couldn't avoid it. There wasn't avoiding this. There wasn't avoiding any of it. Not now. Not ever. It was either answer the question today, or be nagged until he did some other day. So. Why not make it a little difficult? Why not feign ignorance? That was easier. Everything was easier when he pretended he didn't know. Because, then, and only then, could the lie be somewhat true.

"What do you mean?" Izaya asked, even though he knew exactly what Shizuo meant.

"Why do you burn so many vanilla candles?"

"Can't a guy like vanilla? Is there a problem with my candle obsession? Maybe I just like fire? Why does it matter to you?" Izaya snapped. He knew very well why it mattered to Shizuo. Shizuo was starting to connect the dots. He was starting to figure it all out and Izaya was determined for him never to notice. It was better if he didn't. Just better if he never knew. You can figure it out and ask questions at Izaya's tombstone. Just don't bother the guy while he is alive. He's struggling as it is.

"Are you sick?" Shizuo asked. Izaya dropped his shirt. Shizuo turned and made eye contact. Now there was no escape. He could feel Shizuo staring at his obviously visible rib cage and the smallness of his body. Izaya wasn't always this frail. He'd lost a lot of weight. That much was painfully clear. To him. To Shizuo. To everyone.

"Well I sure as hell ain't healthy. I was beaten up recently. I've got a lot of bruises and my stomach was stabbed. I'm not exactly experiencing the best of things right now."

"I mean are you terminally ill," Shizuo stated. Izaya avoided eye contact. He had absolutely no desire to answer that. He could have lied and said it wasn't that way. He could have made up a ton of excuses, but he didn't. He'd had enough of trying to avoid the inevitable. If this conversation didn't happen now it would happen later. Shizuo was staying with him 24/7 after all. Feigning ignorance was a stupid idea. He should have just said the truth from the start.

"I," Izaya began, "I've got," the words wouldn't come out. He hadn't ever said them before. Shinra had told him. Doctors had told him. But  _he_  hadn't said them before and suddenly everything was brought to a dark reality. Choking on his words and fighting back the pain and the tears he'd lived through, he finished the statement, "I've got lung cancer."

Shizuo didn't ask how or why he just grabbed Izaya's hand. The information broker couldn't tell if this was to comfort him or to drag him to the hospital. Shizuo wasn't moving so Izaya couldn't figure it out. Not that Izaya would ever be able to figure out a single thing about the male standing before him. The man was an enigma. The one mystery he could never fully solve. Perhaps that is what draws these two together. Perhaps that's what makes them so inseparable.

"You need to go to the hospital," Shizuo said. The blonde now understood Shinra's threats and his small plead. How long had it been since he last went? Was Izaya even getting the treatment he needed? Based on his current state, Shizuo guessed he hadn't even tried.

"No," Izaya snatched his hand away from Shizuo. He was  _not_  about to go to the hospital just because  _Shizuo_  told him to. He hadn't gone even when  _Shinra_  told him to. There was no need to go. It was Izaya's time to die. Why didn't anyone accept that? Why? Why couldn't he just die? There had to be a long list of people  _somewhere_  who wanted him dead. Why was dying so hard then? If no one wanted him alive?

"Please, just go to the hospital," Shizuo begged.

After hearing the tone of Shizuo's pleading voice, Izaya looked at his face. Izaya looked into his eyes. He stared long and hard but didn't understand  _why_. Why would Shizuo want him to be alive? Shouldn't he be hated?

"I am not going to the hospital just because  _you_  asked me to. I'm not going. I'm going to die. You should be satisfied with that. Shouldn't you? Aren't  _you_  the one who has been wanting me dead all this time?! What are you even doing here? Hm? Shizu-chan? What is the point in all this?! Why do you decide that  _now_  is the best time to make things right. You've been trying to kill me. I've been trying to kill you. Well, guess what blonde boy,  _I'm dying._ Our eternal game of cat and mouse is over! Finished! Why aren't you jumping for joy yet? Why are you even still here? Get out of my room. Get out of my apartment.  _Get out of my life you damned monster!_ " Izaya yelled. His voice kept getting louder and louder with each sentence, with each word. His intensity kept getting more and more fierce. He only meant half of what he said. The truth was quite the opposite. He knew how Shizuo  _truly_ felt about him.

"I could ask you the same thing," Shizuo calmly replied. "You didn't have to nurse me back to health or spend as long as you did with me. You could have left me on that street and hoped someone killed me in your stead. But you didn't. You brought me back. You crossdressed. You made it seem like you didn't care but  _you can't hide the fact you still helped me._ I noticed right away. I noticed but I didn't believe it. It took me a while to come to terms with it. My own brain forced me into a state of denial, but after you left it all made sense," Shizuo grabbed Izaya's hand again, "the truth is Izaya, I can't live without you. And, apparently, you can't live without me either. I can smell you from miles away, did you think a few candles would mask that scent? Did you think changing your name would fool me for long? You'd have to choose something a little more convincing than just your name backwards."

"You're wrong," Izaya's voice was just a whisper, "it's not that I can't live without you, it's just that I didn't want you to die before I did."

"That sounds like the same thing to me."

"It's not! It's completely different! I'm going to die. You better come to terms with it."

"No."

"Why the hell not?!"

"Weren't you listening to me? I just said I can't live without you. I'm not going to stand by and allow you to die when you  _haven't even tried to live_."

"Stop it. I don't want this. I don't want you to do this. Stop it. Stop. Please stop. I don't want to live. I don't deserve to. I've done terrible things. I've messed with people for my own amusement. The world would be better off if I didn't exist. I've tried my whole life to carve a space for me in Hell."

"Then I'll carve a space right down there with you but you, sir, are not dying from lung cancer! You don't even smoke!  _I_ smoke. I should have the same right to die as you. I've hurt people because I can't control my own strength. Do you think I want to be alive? No! But I do what everyone else does. I live another day until my last day comes. Your last day hasn't come yet. I'm selfish, I won't allow it. Because I love you. Izaya, I love you and I'm not going to let you die like this. You're going to grow old with me. We are going to adopt a kid or something and watch that child grow up. I'm going to force you to live as long as you can right by my side because if you died, I'd die with you."

Izaya opened his mouth to say something but Shizuo cut him off before he could, "No. Don't say a single thing. Don't refute what I just said. You can't change how I feel and you certainly can't convince me you don't feel the same way. We were practically  _made_  for each other."

Tears started forming in Izaya's eyes and Shizuo started to feel a bit guilty. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so forceful. He never did anything right in his life, why did he expect that this time would be any different? What if Izaya didn't feel the same way? Then what? He'd look like a mighty big idiot. He shouldn't have said anything. Damn it. Why couldn't he just keep his big mouth shut?

"Shizu-Chan, did you just propose?" Izaya let the tears fall. He didn't care at this point. If Shizuo was that determined to convince him he was worth something, he might as well accept it. This was the first time in his life he actually felt  _wanted_.

Shizuo's face turned a light shade of pink as he remembered what  _exactly_  he had just said. Yes, it did sound like a proposal, didn't it? "So what if I did? You don't have a choice in the matter. I'm marrying you whether you like it or not."

Izaya laughed, "you're skipping a lot of steps in the relationship process, Shizu-chan."

"Does that mean we're in a relationship?"

Now it was Izaya's turn to blush, "that wasn't what I said!"

"We're getting married after you get cured."

"That isn't how cancer works," Izaya frowned, "there is possibility that I'll never  _heal._ "

"You're going to get better, even if I have to buy out every candle store in Japan just to burn thousands of vanilla candles."

"Shizu-chan, my obsession with candles is what got me into this mess, they haven't been healing me like my mother thought they would."

"Well, they will have to start."


	5. The Cure Part I

Izaya sat in the hospital bed watching the clock as it ticked. Time was passing, but it was going by incredibly slow. He just wanted this surgery to be over with. How much longer did he have to wait? He'd been waiting far too long. This was pointless. This was far too much. Stupid Shizuo. Why'd you decide that you needed to take him to the hospital anyway? Izaya would rather just die and be done with it. Hospitals are so boring. Nothing happens. Healing takes too long. Dying is faster, easier, better. 

The information broker looked down at his finger, his ring finger, on it was a rainbow wedding band. They haven't gotten married yet, but Shizuo refused to wait. He said Izaya needed a reminder that he couldn't die. He couldn't die because Shizuo wanted to marry him. So, they'd gone out to get rings. Izaya snickered when he looked at it. He remembered how he had pointed to it, as a joke, but Shizuo didn't seem to care. Izaya didn't  _really_  want the rainbow wedding band. He just wanted to use it to embarrass Shizuo, to get him to see how stupid this whole plan of his was. They shouldn't get married. They haven't even  _dated_. 

Izaya realized how stupid his plot was, but he pointed to that rainbow ring anyway. Shizuo wore (and still wears) those majestic unicorn boxers for crying out loud, why did he think  _this_  would embarrass him? He should've picked out something a little  _more_  embarrassing than just rainbow rings. Izaya sighed. Any minute now the doctor would walk in, tell him  _once again_  how lucky he was despite avoiding the hospital, and then perform the procedure that might save his life.  _Might_  is the key word here. In this world, nothing is definite. Izaya knows this better than anyone. Any  _small_  event could change the world forever. Infinite possibilities. Nothing is certain. Especially the fact that Izaya might not be cured. 

"Are you ready?" the doctor asked. It's about time. Izaya is as ready as he has always been. He just wants to get this over with to prove Shizuo wrong. Prove to Shizuo that he shouldn't have tried. 

Shizuo let go of Izaya's hand and smiled. It's halfhearted and a lie. That smile is too laced with worry to be happy. Izaya smiles in return. It's also halfhearted and a lie. They both know this is nothing to simply  _smile_  about. Izaya isn't just walking to the nearest convenience store for a snack. This surgery could determine the rest of his life. No amount of smiles could reassure him that everything was going to be okay.  _No amount_.

The surgery started out fine. It did. Honestly. But then complications occurred. Someone messed up. Now Izaya was almost lost forever. Things like this don't always happen, but when they do, it hurts. Time freezes and everyone hopes for the best. Well, what if the best doesn't come? Then what? Who is to blame? Who blames themselves? Who blames others? What happens next? 

Izaya opened his eyes to find himself in a single room. Everything was surrounded by white. He couldn't tell if there was a floor, a wall, or even a ceiling. He couldn't tell where anything ended. But, in this room, there was a woman. She is smiling, albeit sad.

"Who are you?" Izaya asks.

"Who do you say that I am?" she replies. 

"I don't believe in God," Izaya frowns, "is this my imagination acting up? Am I having a near death experience? Explain this to me."

The woman didn't answer. She just continued to smile. She leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs, and folded her hands, "Who do you say that I am?" she repeated. Izaya looked around the vacant room. It only contained two chairs and endless white. But, this woman is entirely dressed in black. The chairs are black, their outfits are black. Is this the 'light' at the end of the 'tunnel'? Then where is his life flashing before his eyes?

"Death?" he answered her question.

"Do you wish to die?" she asks. What's with all of these questions but no answers? Izaya frowned. He did, for the longest time, wish to die. But the ring on his left hand caught his eye. Why is that still here? When he is dressed in all black? Why was he still allowed to keep the ring in a place like this?

"I-" 

The woman put her hand up, to stop his answer before he could say it. So, now she wants to speak? "Your life is at risk. At any minute now, you could die. But, do you wish to die? I give people a choice, when I feel as though they need to decide. However, at times, people have already given up on living, and believe it is their time. Do you believe so? I ask you, not what your brain has told you, but what your soul has. Do you really believe that you should die here? Does your soul wish to end? To be reborn? Tell me, do you wish to die?" she paused. Izaya attempted to speak again, but her hand was still up, signalling him not to. "Once you decide, there is no going back. Please, review your life, and answer only  _once_."

The woman claps and a screen separates her from Izaya. Izaya's life is playing, like a movie, but something is off. No, this isn't Izaya's life, this is what would happen if Izaya  _refused_  to live. Izaya stares, he watches, there is nothing else to do but  _watch_. He notices Shizuo's reaction to his death, if he died at the hospital, and sees the rest of his friend's reactions to hearing that he has died. Izaya never thought he had friends. Shinra was the only one. But the whole city  _knows_  something is missing. People are dying much more frequently without him. Things are happening. Things that Izaya usually prevented under the guise of his 'game.' He played with them, but, there were also many things he warned them about. 

"Stop it," Izaya snapped, "stop showing me this!" he yelled. The woman just lets out a long sigh, claps her hands, and the screen disappears once more. 

"You still haven't decided, Izaya Orihara, is your life worth ending?"


	6. The Cure Part II

Izaya looked at his hands. He folded them and unfolded them. The question continued to ring in his ears. He thought about all that could have been. All that there  _should_  have been. But, was it really worth saying he should live? The images of the pain he would've caused Shizuo flashed into his mind. Izaya shook his head. Shizuo would get over it. Wouldn't he? No, no, he wouldn't, Izaya had to stop deluding himself into thinking otherwise. Shizuo had told him, directly, that he wanted to grow old with Izaya. Nothing was going to stop that from being the truth.

"I don't deserve to live," Izaya muttered. He held his face in his hands and curled up in a ball on the seat. His brain was telling him the opposite of what his soul wished. He didn't deserve to live. He deserved to die. That's what he had decided. He chose this so long ago. Why was he trying to make it seem as if he hadn't? It didn't matter to him what Shizuo thought. Well, it shouldn't matter.  _But it did_. 

The woman stood up and walked closer to Izaya. Her chair, the one she had been sitting in, disappeared. There was a darkness that swallowed the light with each movement she made. She got closer and closer. Nearer and nearer. Izaya didn't notice. Izaya didn't  _want_  to notice the sudden drop in temperature or the fact that he could no longer feel his fingers. He didn't want to admit he was scared. She scared him. He scared himself. 

She rested her hand on his shoulder, he flinched, and looked up. She smiled, tilted her head to the side, and cried, "my dear, no one deserves to  _die_."

An image was sent to his brain. Shizuo. He was standing there with a rope. Izaya quickly understood what he was about to do. He yelled at him to stop. But the words would not escape his lips. This wasn't real. This  _couldn't_  be real. Shizuo wouldn't do this. Yes, he would, he said he would. Izaya just didn't want to admit that it  _could_  happen.

"Your life is not your own," the woman's eyes continued to leak, "it is just a piece to an intricate puzzle," she sobbed, "it has an impact on everyone, even though you do not see it. So please, think carefully, for I must ask you again." The woman took a step back as she stretched out her hand.

"Do you wish to die?" she asked.

"I," Izaya began. He couldn't decide. Part of him was saying one thing while the other part said something else. He must choose. But, who would've thought this would be so difficult? Why must everything be so hard? Izaya opened and closed his eyes. He had hoped that if he did this, everything might end up being some elaborate dream. This wasn't the case. He really must decide. He  _must_. 

"I don't want to die," he said, "I don't want to die," he pleaded. He didn't want to die knowing that Shizuo would die too. He didn't want to die knowing that he could have had a happier life living with Shizuo. They could be better, happier, people to make up for all the wrongs they've done. He needed to live, because he didn't want Shizuo to  _stop_   _living_. He needed to live, because his life wasn't ready to end. There were still far too many people to annoy. Far too many things to do. He could never accept death, not like this. No one could. No one should. 

The woman smiled, but continued to cry. He assumed that, this time, those tears were tears of joy. She wrapped her arms around him and the coldness in his body, the coldness he hadn't  _fully_  noticed before, became warm. He could feel his body again. He could see the darkness within himself entering her instead. What was happening? It looked like smoke. What is all of this? As it left him, and entered her, he could hear the whispers of self-doubt and guilt. Ah, so she was absorbing his depression. His abuse. His self-loathing. She was absorbing the idea that he wasn't supposed to live, so that he might live to the best of his ability. She was taking in the disease that had sprouted and plagued his life.  _She was forgiving his sins even though she knew he would commit more._

"Thank you," he said. A newfound weariness washed over him. Izaya's body desperately wanted to sleep. But he wouldn't let it, not yet, "Will I ever see you again?" he asked. She had become his savior, it was only right he ask. He wanted to see her again. He did. Truly. But he knew, in his heart, that was not possible. 

"Izaya," she smiled, "I hope that you do not, for a very long time."

When his eyes opened once more, Izaya was not in that white room of nothingness. Instead, he was in the hospital. His doctor, nurses, and Shizuo were all hovering around him. What happened? What was going on? He didn't know. He couldn't figure out the specifics but something must've gone wrong with the surgery. That was the only conclusion he could come to. 

"I'm so glad you came back," Shizuo's hand was grasping his own. Did he die? Is that what happened? But he wasn't dead yet. As he tried to cling on to the distant memory of the white room and the woman dressed in black, he couldn't. It was fading. He had wanted to remember her but his mind would not allow it. 

"The surgery was going fine, but something happened, a freak incident, and they weren't sure if you'd survive," Shizuo explained. What had happened wasn't important to him. He couldn't find the words to explain it. The important thing here: is that Izaya wasn't dead. That's all that mattered. That's all he cared about. So, as he clutched Izaya's hand and sobbed tears of joy, Izaya smiled. He hadn't died, even though he said he would, and he felt absolutely  _no_  regret toward his decision. 


	7. The Marriage Part I

"Is this crooked?" Izaya looked at the framed certificate hanging on the wall. He'd been staring at this same spot for about two hours now. Should he just leave it be? That would be so much easier at this point. Besides, nothing about him or Shizuo was  _straight._ Well, that might not be totally true. Shizuo did have a thing for Izaya in drag. Does that count? I don't think that counts. He is still hella gay. 

Shizuo took one glance at it before providing his answer, "Nope, it's straight."

"You didn't even  _look_  at it," Izaya frowned. Shizuo was clearly not being helpful in the slightest. What was Izaya supposed to do if someone visited them and noticed that the certificate wasn't straight? No one would visit them, so, I'm not exactly sure what Izaya is afraid of. Maybe he just isn't admitting to himself that he has OCD. It's okay, Izaya, no one will hate you because you have OCD. 

"I don't have to. I'm sure it's not. You've been staring at it for so long the frame is probably too scared to tilt," Shizuo said. Izaya held back his laugh. Shizuo had a point. He hated it when Shizuo had a point. That made it seem like Shizuo wasn't the dumb blonde he was supposed to be. Izaya is the smart one and Shizuo is the dumb one. Shizuo, stop ruining the couple image everyone has of you two. It's troublesome.

"Maybe I shouldn't have framed it," Izaya pondered. "Should I have just left it on a shelf somewhere?" Izaya placed a hand on his hip and sighed. "Our married life is already difficult. We had to go all the way to the U.S. to get married since Japan doesn't recognize same-sex marital relationships. I told you we didn't  _need_  to get married at all but you  _insisted_. Now I feel like we have to show off this fancy piece of paper. This is all your fault," Izaya frowned. "We went through so much unnecessary troubles and our 'marriage' hasn't even  _started_  yet."

"Sorry, not sorry," Shizuo replied, "I don't regret a single minute of it and you'll never get me to apologize. You're mine now, Izaya Orihara."

"But, we didn't  _have_  to get married!" Izaya stopped staring at the frame hanging on the wall and instead sat down next to Shizuo on the couch. He snuggled up to him and grabbed the remote. There wasn't anything good on TV but at least he could cuddle with his husband. That's all that really matters. Even though he  _still_  hadn't warmed up to the fact that they were  _husbands_.

"Too late," Shizuo wrapped his arm around Izaya to bring him closer, "I'm not planning on getting divorced. You can't make me. I don't care what schemes you try to pull. It's not happening. Not in this life or the next."

"What if I fake the divorce papers?" Izaya looked up at Shizuo but the fake blonde didn't look back at him. Instead, he just continued watching the crap show on TV. Quality man right there. Pure quality.

"If you try to fake a  _single_  divorce paper, I'll have to kill you."

"You won't kill me. You love me too much," Izaya snickered. 

"You won't divorce me. You love me too much," Shizuo retorted.

Izaya didn't answer that since Shizuo had a valid point. But, now that he was married to Shizuo, what was he going to do about his job as an information broker? Would he still cause trouble for others? Shizuo wouldn't let him do that. And, what about Namie? Should he fire her? Would Shizuo still go around collecting debt money with Tom? Izaya didn't know a single thing anymore. Shizuo had ruined all that he thought he'd known. This was supposed to be a new start for the both of them. Would it really turn out like that? Or would it all go to waste? Izaya didn't know and he simply  _hated_  it when he didn't know things.

"What are we going to do now?" Izaya sighed. He didn't mean to say that aloud, it just sort of happened. He'd been doing that a lot since the marriage. Usually it wasn't a problem, because before he would just be talking to himself. Now, however, he was saying things that Shizuo could overhear. That might end up being an issue later on. For now, though, Shizuo didn't seem to mind. Actually, the fake blonde thought it was kind of cute. 

"You're going to fire Namie and I'm going to be your new secretary. Problem solved."

"What?! You can't be my secretary!" Izaya sat up and moved away from Shizuo. What nonsense was he speaking? What things had he put into his food to make him come up with such outrageous ideas?! He  _had_  to be joking!

"Why not?" Shizuo frowned. "Did you like having Namie around?"

"It's not about Namie! You would hate it! Besides, I fool around with too many people. You'd just get angry with me," Izaya said. He had a point. Shizuo wouldn't last two minutes as his secretary without getting fed up and wanting to quit. Shizuo needed a job that allowed him to be outside. The guy didn't seem like the type to think staying indoors was a great idea. Izaya was surprised he'd lasted this long inside thus far.

"Then stop fooling around with so many people. Do something good with the information you gather. Then it'll all be fine. I don't see what the issue is," Shizuo sighed. Why was his husband being so difficult? They could make this whole thing work if the both of them just  _tried_. But Izaya wasn't even  _trying_. He was just expecting it to fail before it began.

"That's not how it works."

"Then make it work."

"But that's not how it works!"

"So?"

Izaya stopped talking and stood up. He walked over to the window and stared out at all the people walking around below him. He couldn't imagine a place where he  _and_  Shizuo caused trouble. That just didn't seem  _right_. Izaya started having second thoughts about this whole thing, (although, he already was having those thoughts the minute they got married). He shouldn't have let Shizuo talk him into this relationship; this marriage. Shizuo should go on hating him and he should go on running away from Shizuo. That's how it had always been. Nothing should've changed. But, why did he get the feeling everything had  _already_  changed? And that there was no going back now? 


	8. The Marriage Part II

Izaya stood at the base of the building staring up at it in awe. It didn't seem real. Just three years ago he married Shizuo, and now, they were  _here_. The two of them had bought a store and, in just a few of years, they'd created a rather successful candle making business. Izaya shook his head in disbelief and walked into the shop. It was time to start selling. The scent of all the different types of candles overwhelmed him, but it felt like  _home_. Izaya had never had a home before, and was likely to never have another home again. Shizuo had become his home and he was happy with just that. He still couldn't believe that this was reality. It all felt like a dream. Every minute of it. 

The store was a fluke, of course, because a more interesting business took place for special 'customers.' Izaya couldn't live a life without meddling in  _someone's_  life so he just spent  _less_  of his time playing with people. Shizuo could take the info broker away from the danger but he couldn't take the danger away from the info broker. Izaya, at his core, just had to be a little shit every now and again. 

"Do you think we'll get any customers today?" Shizuo asked. He took some candles from the storeroom and placed them on the shelves. Izaya laughed. They would  _need_  customers in order to continue surviving. That's how the business worked. No customers means no money which means no food.

"That depends on which customers you're talking about," Izaya smiled, "mine or yours?"

"Ours," Shizuo answered. Izaya refused to blush. Shizuo said the cutest things at the most random of times. If he wasn't already married to him he would certainly marry him on the spot. Why are you only allowed to marry once? It wasn't fair. He should be allowed to marry Shizuo at  _least_  a million times. 

Izaya sat down behind the register and twirled around in the chair. He was trying to keep Shizuo's attention off of his face. He refused to allow his blushing to be caught. He was in still in denial about the fact that he was blushing to begin with. Shizuo would only tease him and he hated to be teased. Izaya was the only one allowed to dish out the teasing remarks. Not the other way around...

"You're blushing," Shizuo said. He didn't need to stop what he was doing or even look at Izaya. He just  _knew_. He knew Izaya too well. Izaya hated it. He loved it. But, he still hated it.

"I am not," Izaya replied. Curse you Shizuo for being such a knowledgeable husband. Who gave you permission to be such a good spouse? Izaya should fire you. He would totally fire you, if he didn't love you so much.

"Yes, you are," Shizuo suppressed the urge to laugh. "You would have replied with some sort of comeback if you weren't embarrassed."

"I hate you," Izaya stopped spinning in the chair and crossed his arms. He puffed out his cheeks and made a slight 'hmph' noise. Shizuo would pay for this later. Just you watch. He wasn't going to get away with embarrassing Izaya for long. 

"No, you don't," Shizuo replied. The corners of his mouth turned upward ever so slightly. He was smiling. He was enjoying this. That only made Izaya all the more frustrated. He was playing right into the enemies hands.

"Don't tell me how I do or don't feel," Izaya frowned. "I can hate you if I want to!" That was a lie. Izaya couldn't hate Shizuo no matter what he did. Their relationship was at a point of no return. It didn't matter how much one hurt the other. It didn't matter what one did to the other. They were both too concerned for the other's well being to even  _think_ about betrayal. 

"No, you can't," Shizuo said. He knew the truth. 

"Yes, I can!" Izaya defended. He knew that Shizuo knew the truth and that was just as infuriating as it would've been if he didn't.

Shizuo stopped placing candles in their rightful place and looked at Izaya. His face didn't show the slightest bit of emotion as he said, "If you were a woman you would've gotten pregnant at least a thousand times by now. Either you hate me and are extremely masochistic or you're my embarrassed husband who doesn't want to admit he actually cares about me."

Izaya's cheeks darkened in their shade of red. He threw a small box of business cards at Shizuo's head. It happened to be next to the register and was quite handy for situations like this. Shizuo dodged it, of course, and it fell on the floor. Izaya crossed his arms and refused to make eye contact. He could totally hate Shizuo if he wanted to. He'd done it before in the past. He could do it again. Sighing, Shizuo picked up the business cards that had spread out across the floor and placed them back into the box. He walked over to the table the register was on and placed the box back in its rightful spot. Izaya glared. 

"It isn't fair," he pouted. "Why do you have to be like this?"

Shizuo walked behind the table to stand behind Izaya. He leaned down to hug him from behind and place a kiss on his cheek. "Because I love you," he spoke. It wasn't a whisper. It wasn't loud. It was simply gentle and it made Izaya feel warm. 

"I love you too," Izaya smiled.

"I thought you hated me," Shizuo snickered.

"Don't make me change my mind," he said. Shizuo stopped hugging Izaya and stood next to him instead. He wanted to look at Izaya's face. He was allowed to want to see it. It was perfect in his mind. Even though Izaya was a bit of a pest. He was a lovable pest though.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Shizuo grinned. The two stared at each other in silence. Smiling. Being content. The two were happy. They would stay happy. It didn't matter what happened. They'd always face life's challenges  _together_. That's all that mattered. Nothing could break their bond if they refused to let anything come between them. A marriage only fails when the couple gets lazy. These two workaholics didn't know the meaning of the word...

"We will be together forever, won't we?" Izaya grabbed Shizuo's hand. A feeling of uncertainty had overwhelmed him. He was nervous that something would happen eventually and they'd revert to hating each other. 

Shizuo squeezed his hand, "Of course we will." 

And they were.


End file.
